If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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