Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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