i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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