Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Randomize
