I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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