i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
