Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
