So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
