matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
