Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
