Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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