I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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