I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
