I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
