he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize