you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
