So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize