if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize