Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
