You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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