If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
