If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
