The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
