Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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