Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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