I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
