Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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