insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
