Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
