I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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