I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
