I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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