Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
