After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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