It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
