I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
