I cannot find my penis.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
