you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
