Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
