What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
