I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
