dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
