in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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