Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
then he tried to convert me to islam
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
