Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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