I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
