They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
