guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
