you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
