Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
