Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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