I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
