I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
