The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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