At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
